"Ninety percent of zombie-related fatalities occur in the home."

So, I'm not so crazy, am I? And everyone told me that my Zombie Phobia (for lack of a better, official name--yet) was an "irrational fear." Pshaw. The undead shall totally inherit the earth.

Seriously though, I really shouldn't be allowed to watch movies like the "Dawn of the Dead" remake. That movie scared the bejesus outta me. That scene in the very beginning? Where the couple is lying in bed and Zombie Girl comes flying at him and bites the crap out of his neck? Oh mah god. I had nightmares for like a month. In honor of Zombie Awareness Week* I'd like to take this opportunity to list some of my other (completely rational, but in no particular order) fears:

-Another Barbra Streisand "farewell" concert. Shudder.
-Plagues that start off as the flu
-Jewel's teeth
-Cujo
-Actually, come to think of it, plagues that start off at all
-Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's lovechild (it will be so perfect and beautiful, our eyes will burst forth from our skulls, and I really hate it when that happens)
-Being sucked away from the earth a la "The Forgotten"
-Bush Jr. getting a third term
-The Govenator being allowed to run for President-enator
-LASIK eye surgery
-Pet cemeteries (did you see that movie, friggin scary as hell)
-The repeal of the Roe vs. Wade decision, which should be happening any day now, I'm sure, followed closely by the removal of the "dinosaur" chapter in every public school textbook and a law forbidding any and all mentions of the Big Bang and Charles Darwin. Anywhere. Ever.
-"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" reruns on Nick at Nite (In other words: aging. I don't wanna get old. I might die faster. Unless the zombie horde attacks in 2007, as predicted, in which case I'll be undead.**)
-The Nelson Reunion Tour
-Flav and Brigitte. Doing anything. At all. (My eyes! Oh god... They burn! This hurts worse than my imaginary botched LASIK surgery!)
-Bugs. Specifically roaches, spiders, and anything of the bee/wasp family
-Sharks
-Necrotizing fasciitis, because it's so totally "pre-zombiism," check it out:

(Borrowed from WebMD.com--which is my free doctor-substitute right now--in the interest of public safety):

"Necrotizing fasciitis most commonly affects extremities, particularly the legs, but can affect any part of the body.

The most common early symptoms include:
-Sudden, severe pain in the affected area.
-Fever, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, and other flulike symptoms.
-Redness, heat, swelling, or fluid-filled blisters in the skin over the affected area. If the infection is deep in the tissue, these signs of inflammation may not develop right away. (Come on! These three symptoms happen in every movie featuring those of the undead persuasion!)

Later symptoms may include:
-Signs of shock (including confusion, fainting, or dizziness), which are often made worse when you rise from a sitting or reclining position (from the grave perhaps? or maybe from where you died in the street after your own zombie bite?) . These symptoms are caused by a drop in blood pressure (because it's no longer flowing).
-Scaling, peeling, or discolored skin over the affected area, which are signs of tissue death, zombiism, or gangrene.
-An uncontrollable hunger for human flesh and brains."

Oh my god. Even WebMD agrees! I need to board up the house. I refuse to sit around and wait to be zombie food!

~L. (and no, I wouldn't let you in the house like that overly nice but clearly insane guy and his daughter did in "28 Days Later." That guy was a moron.)

Kenneth: Is everyone there dead?
Steve: Well, dead-ish.
Kenneth: Is everyone there dead?
Steve: Yeah, in the sense that they all sort of, uh... fell down... and
then got up... and started eating each other.

~"Dawn of the Dead" (2004)

*There is no such thing as Zombie Awareness Week (yet). But you could prevent a potential attack by going here: http://www.loris.net/zombie/

**So, no one's actually "predicted" a zombie horde attack. But I'm sure Nostradamus thought about it happening. He just didn't have a name for it back then...